www.johnathonkelso.com

and replacement livejournal here - www.johnkelso.blogspot.com

I ain't gotta be nobodies fool no more.

And, I'll be writing in here from now on - www.johnkelso.blogspot.com

I think it's time to start reading Carson McCullers again. I remember when I used to read her books and ride my bike around different places just to read in a new spot for each chapter. I remember in Memphis I was a lone ranger and I would ride around in my Honda and find big ole towers and just climb em' and sit up there looking. I would always go on adventures by myself because in Memphis I didn't have many friends, or if I did, they just didn't want to do that sort of thing.
I think I'm going to start being the old me again - but with vast improvements. I'll still like the way the air smells at night after you've been happy for a while but I won't be angry if the night felt unloved. I'll start calling out more to God when I'm outside and stop texting to people that don't really care if I'm out sitting by a lake or not. I'll be happy to have friends but I won't be angry to them or let them know when I start to get really frustrated with life, I'll just go home and make some art or something.

I haven't quite got the whole plan organized yet but I know it feels good to think about. And I don't really know if I want anyone in on my plans. Because I want to be a lone ranger again that way things are more special to me.

I'm really starting to feel like I'm not in control. That's the worst thing I could ever think to have happen. I want to go visit Dante and lay down on his grave and tell him how hard life is and how fun things were before I became an adult. I want to talk to Dante like he is God because it would be easier and he would listen. He saved me when I had nothing. When I was sleeping on the top of 14 story buildings in Little Rock afraid that someone would come and mug me in my sleep or I'd get thrown in jail, he saved me. So he'd listen to me. I'd ask him if he loved Jessi as much as I love Courtney and why I always felt like no matter how hard I tried I felt like I was losing her more everyday. I would want him to say something to her, I'd want him to tell her face to face all the things I do and all the good that lives in me and I'd want to feel like someone appreciated my heart for what it was.
And Dante would be Jesus and I would miss him and when I lay my worries on his grave he would listen and take them from me. But it would be real, not like this, because this is too hard. This feels so un-real at times that I feel like a crazy person. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. The last three days have been spent in solitude and today I had to pull every ounce of me together to not fall apart. And tonight when I mounted that high horse and rode to the party with a positive attitude with God in my heart and love in my eyes I died. Fell so hard from my high place in an instant and no one was there to understand. Not even Courtney understands me. No one does. So when I feel crazy, or when I feel sad, or lonely, I picture myself and the peace and anguish I felt laying upon Dante's grave and it's the only think that is keeping me from banging my head against the wall is to know that he proved to me that God is real. Even when I can't see clearly, God is real. Even when I let the world rule me and people shape me, God is real. Even when I let my anger out and punish others, God is real. God loves me and I'm so tired of having to explain that to people and explain why I'm this way, and even have to explain to my own girlfriend why I want to be this person above anything else.

I'm tired Deej, and I need strength. I need you ask God to help me because he doesn't quite get through to me right now. I miss you,
Love,
Johnathon.

Life is good.

I woke up at 7, then at 8. I went for a walk around my neighborhood and wondered if animals ever die of old age. I don't think I've ever seen a squirrel lying dead in the grass or below a tree. No, they are always velcro'd to the street with their guts and little eyes all over the place.

I think I've done a lot today to keep myself busy even when I didn't need to be keeping busy but this song has made me comfortable and at peace for some reason throughout this day. Haha, it's so awesome. Because that's all I want to do right now...call Courtney and tell her I love her. For her to hear me say it and for me to hear her say it back to me But I'm not going to do that tonight. Nope. Because after last night Courtney and I have decided to take some time for each other to be apart which means no talking on the phone, no texting, no comments on the internetz, only letters and minimal messaging back and forth for maybe a month or so.
Not because we hate each other or because one of us has cheated on the other one or because we don't know if we want to be with each other...It's the opposite. We are taking this space to benefit each other and ourselves. To grow as individuals and in God.

For me - I've tried to fight God for a good while on giving him everything in my life and my relationship with Courtney has been one thing I've really held back tightly and not given away yet. So, in doing this, I let go of the responsibility of deciding whether or not I'm doing a good job or not and I let go of any dependency I might have on anyone but God. Putting God first isn't easy for me, trust me. This doesn't seem like a great idea to my heart at all right now. I mean a little, but damn it's scary and it hurts and it seems illogical but I know that I've got to do things right all the way from now on. God will take me through fear, not around fear. God knows the desire of both mine and Courtney's heart. He see's use loving each other unconditionally and see's how hard we work on making our relationship strong and progressive. I am letting the control come out of my hands and I am giving it to the father. How could I go wrong in that? God knows the desires of my heart and knows how much I want to marry this girl and be with her, so why not let it get healthy. Let this sacrifice of a month of not seeing each other be a fast of sorts so that both her and I can grow closer to God and stronger to ourselves in the process.

I've been listening to Stevie Wonder and Willie Nelson all day long.

So in keeping busy all day today I've accomplished somethings sure, but I haven't exactly sat with scripture and let it feed me the kind of stuff I need to be meditating on right now. So I should wrap this up soon and do that.

My website - johnathonkelso.com is almost finished. Go check it out and let me know what you think.

Annnnnnnnnd, I miss her aleady and that is okay, okay, okay?

http://vimeo.com/4754005

Today I went running with my friend Daniel. It's always funny to hold conversation while you run. Your voice will rise up and down and squeak as you talk about each others issues. I never thought I'd have guy friends in my life that I can actually talk to. Not talking about sports or the weather or fucking sports or fighting or spitting or kicking things on the ground or getting drunk, but actually holding conversation. I know it sounds easy for most people but it's pretty much been a struggle my whole life.
But yea, I like it now. Things are so much different now that I've been changing my life around and I like it. Not everything is changed for the better yet. I still have massive debt that looms over me. It's been years of neglect in the making. Student loans, credit card debt, hospital bills, and court fee's. All of these things make up a huge part of my life that must be fixed starting today that keep me from having a healthy functional life that will hopefully one day lead to a healthy happy family. And I know I can't be ready for marriage or a child until I get these things situated and under control.
I asked the pastor of my church tonight if he knew of anyone I could talk to within the church that could help me and he said he had two people in mind that could help me lay out a game plan to start tackling this all one by one. I'm really proud of myself for even asking. It's embarrassing, it really is.

But the good news is I know I can do it. I know because I've already showed myself I'm strong enough to deal with some of the biggest issues within myself that have troubled me for the longest time. I'm doing good and I want to keep doing better.

I've spent the night alone tonight and not felt sad once. I think that's pretty incredible. I'm happy that I've had time to sort out my thoughts tonight and be glad that Courtney is out having fun. It feels good to be healthy. I hope and pray that I can continue to just be this person and learn not to work for the fruit of all this labor alone but to let God work within me naturally to change me into what he wants me to be.

I think I'll end there.

Today I finished up shooting with Andrew Kornylak (akornphoto.com) for this still motion video he's doing on me for a Nikon ad. It's about rollerblading and me and photography, so I gather.
I've been into writing in this thing again because I figure it's a good way for me to let go of thoughts and start new ones, so I hope you don't think all this will be too interesting; mainly for my own records.
Courtney and I found a cemetery today in the midst of this random neighborhood off Flat Shoals. As cliche as it was to take photos in a place like that, I just couldn't pass it up. It was more like a garden than a place for dead people. The light was beautiful, just beautiful.
On Wednesday, May 20, I will have lived in Atlanta for two years now. Wow, it's been an interesting two years. But who wants to try to sum up two years in a livejournal entry? Not me.

Courtney has been sick for the past two days. Some have made reference to the swine flu but that's all without evidence. I just enjoy feeling needed by her. I will never get sick of taking care of sick folk.

My website is getting closer to being done. I just need to get Photoshop (which is nearly impossible to get unless you pay the monies) somehow so I can make vertical photographs work on there and it will be complete!!!!!! Yes. I'm pretty sure I want to be a photographer now..yes, please, please give me dollarz to make photoshootz happen.

So yea, today was a well day.

and one she took of me

I stopped looking for my bible a couple minutes ago. It's 1am...I left a friends birthday party and walked a little in the rain. I tried to dance but I was too sad. If there is one thing that I'm tired of it's being sad. I've been through a lot of heartache in my life but these past few months seem to take the cake over anything bad that has ever happened before all this. My counselor told me - "What would it look like if John were to just be before God and to quit doing for God." So I'm trying just as hard as I can to find out what it looks like for me to simply be and to quit everything else that isn't that.

I wish I would have found my bible. I wouldn't be typing any of this.

I've spent the last six months of my life letting go of a whole bulk load of stuff that has been my life for 25 years. Anger, jealousy, selfishness, pride...and now that I've over-loaded myself on fixing all of these things and I've pushed a good bit of them out of my life I've come to not know myself in the process.

Does that make sense? I've literally become a new person. The way I think, the way I speak, the way I deal with everything in some way has changed whether it be big or small. So now that I have a semi clean slate it's up to God and up to me to decide what happens to my life now that I've been washed clean of most of the bad. That's a huge responsibility in itself. It's overwhelming and it's scary and I'm going crazy trying to be perfect and to handle this new self with distinguished morals and actions. I've never felt so down on myself in all my life.

So I apologize if you are reading this and feeling a a bit weird about it. I feel crazy because of it too. If I could just figure out a way to weather the storm for now and wiggle my toes at night I just might cheer up soon and be myself again, whatever that even looks like anymore.

I know I'm not supposed to be afraid, but I am. I don't know what's in store for me and that scares the living crap out of me right now.

I just feel like crying. The walls of my house are leaking. The basement room that I'm trying to renovate now has water puddles on the floor. I just found out my older sister has fibromyalgia along with my mother who already had it and IT IS hereditary so that means there is a good chance I could get it. My back is hurting so bad right now and I can't even explain why. The metal in my ankle hurts when it rains, and it has been raining ALL day. I'm annoyed by everyone and anybody right now. I have baptism class tonight but can't seem to let God inside my heart today. My efforts to pray three solid times a day are failing and I was supposed to write a testimony from today and yesterday which I still have yet to do. I need to file my taxes, STILL. I've been wearing the same purplish shirt for almost a week straight now and I don't care because it's comfortable. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care. I'm not strong enough sometimes to change me, the people I love, and the world. I tried to run after that homeless guy yesterday after I told him I didn't want to give him change to try and offer him a free meal but he already had gone and it still makes me feel like shit.

Dear God, how can I be all these good things you see in me?
I know the good things in my life and I'm thankful, I am blessed, I am fine. But this is only to vent. ONLY TO VENT.

I can't control the actions of others, only my own. I can't fix people that don't want to be helped. I can't be a trustworthy person to someone who refuses to put their trust in me. I'm a monster sometimes, an angry monster, but lately I've been traveling the higher road, taking things slower, letting things not upset me as much, rationalizing and communicating clearly, expressing my emotions, finding alternate outlets for my anger, and still..I cannot find peace on days like today.
Did I mention I am getting baptized on Easter? Well, I am. And my father is going to be there and my friends, but not my mother, and not my best friend. I've never been so nervous about anything in my whole life. I feel like I'm getting prepared for my wedding day..it's really strange, because in a very real way, I am.

One time I went to Arizona for a week for "work" and it was awesome and I gave people Airheads to eat.